chemo in the hospital all week- serious feelings

So it's Tuesday today, second day in the hospital this week. I arrived yesterday and had to get surgery to put in a semi-permanant pic-line. Then i got admitted and what not. What I wanna think about though is not all this horrible side effects I have or how emotionally draining this whole experience has been, but all the positive things that I have learned. There are people out there who say don't waste your cancer, and that couldn't be more true. In my beginning months, I was kind of just blocking out my emotions because it was hard to accept the fact that I might die at an early age. We all have to die someday, and cancer has taught me something I will never forget. Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death. I like this saying, " To live is Christ, to die is gain" This doesn't necessarily mean to literally die, but to die to your sinful nature and the every sin of the flesh. Cancer has slowly done away with my selfish tendancies and my addictive nature to always want whatever it is i want RIGHT NOW. I truly believe with no doubt that God put these tumors inside me in order to have a deeply affectionate heart and to think about others before myself. Ive never met a truly happy person that was selfish, never. Another verse that stuck out to me today from 2 Kings is ," I have heard your prayer and seen your tears: I will heal you." Lord, please hear my prayers and see my tears. Have mercy on me and touch me with your powerful healing hand, as you already have! You made me Lord. You know me inside out!!! You know me perfectly. This disease is threatening my life, but Lord you are more powerful than the disease. Please God put a song on my lips of praise to You and help me to testify of your loving miracle in my life. I pray that my friends and peers would repent and put their faith in Jesus. I realize this is not always going to happen, but I hope to be a walking example and live more like Jesus Christ everyday. Help me to be a testimony of your never ending love. Finally in this post I just want to thank my Mom and Dad for giving up themselves during this hard time and dealing with me when I am cranky or bossy and not feeling well. God has blessed me with the most loving family and I cannot thank Him enough. 

chillin..

thoughts

I forgot to say it required two surgical biopsies to confirm my cancer. Anyways. This whole experience is awful but is teaching me so much and im actually learning it almost like when you learn to read. You have to experience it and practice to attain things; such as peace, love, self love, happiness, selflessness...the list goes on. I'll try and think more about those kinds of things in detail when I think of them because unforunetely I get alot of alone time to think. To not ever take your health and your life for granted is obviously something huge im learning. everyday is a blessing and the Lord could take you away in an instant. Il try and remain from using cliches because we can all say them but to really mean them and carry them out in your life is a different story. Now just because im learning all this doesn't mean ive applied it yet. No one is perfect, especially not me. I'm used to being pretty much a bossy grouch. Im constantly getting blood drawn and shots every single day, not to mention chemo and surgies and tests.......its hard to keep from going crazy. I guess what Im trying to say is from here on out I cant live like I used to become ive experienced the passion in what life has to offer and the freedom you have when you are healthy. one love

First blog ever

What's good to whoever will read this. I basically wanna remember all the stuff i had to endure and the knowledge and spirituality I can gain during chemotherapy and everything else (theres a lot). I have germ cell tumor cancer. Rare- look it up, but I have two tumors in my liver and cancerous lymph nodes throughout. I was in severe pain from about mid January to sometime in late February or March it's hard to remember. My diagnosis wasn't confirmed until over a month of me entering the ER. I did over a month of a chemotherapy regimen and my cancerous tumors ended up growing. I was devastated, but my pain seemed to be getting better...but just picture me in bed all day unless i have to get up..not much. Anyway I am now on a new chemotherapy med and its rough as hell but seems to be working now! thank God for that. I have completed two cycles already of that with neupogin shots every night and pic line maintaing ( permanent Catheter in my arm). My ATP levels ( cancer) is continually going down. I still have 2 more cycles of this med and then 2 cycles of High dose therapy. I just finished doing a stem cell collection for 6 days with a catheter put in my neck surgically. Just got that out today! :) But anyway, that's where I'm at for me(to remember this) and anyone who cares to read. Im realizing so much about life that I feel crazy if I don't let out what im thinking or feeling so this is me and my fight with cancer Uncut haha